[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.