PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
You Might Also Like
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.