[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me irl
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future