Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.