Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
#winning
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Catering service
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.