It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
This made me chuckle.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan