Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.