Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.