Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job