Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster