Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.