some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
You Might Also Like
Me My dog
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”