ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
the three genders
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
time for some seasonal decor
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down