Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
#Caturday
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.