“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You Might Also Like
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.