Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Hell yeah 👍
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna