Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
You Might Also Like
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work