Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Geez man, take it easy.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related