We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Just had my nails done!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.