Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything