@OhSweetCharity: Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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@onion_an: Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop Son: Why [nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower] Me: He's a racist
@PeterClayton6: If you say 'my cocaine' really loudly, you will sound exactly like Michael Caine saying his own name. I will never get tired of this.
@MountainDouche: My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.