Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Legend 🤣🤣
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.