Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Ovenable?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?