Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Room with a view.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.