Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting