Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.