The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT