I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
They did not miss in the small print
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.