Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you