@TampaBayMomma: Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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@PaperWash: dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG dad: omg [sheds a tear]
@WilliamAder: Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@chuuew: ME: [standing in the rain] STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here's an umbrella ME: Yes. I've seen one before.
@Dana_Bruno: Wasn't wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy's gym bag. How's your night going?!