Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
they really do be looking like this
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.