Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Yup….perfect score!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.