if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.