NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Something Saturday.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection