Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
This is what makes twitter great
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?