Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
How your email finds me
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.