Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: