bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Straight people are cancelled
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Wait a minute
when you order from DoorDastardly
Do one person every day that scares you.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?