Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My patience has stretch marks.