Merry Christmas
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I just checked Web MD and I have everything