Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
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When I can’t barge, I careen.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
That eye roll….
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.