message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I identify as an antique shop.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol