I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
This came to me in a dream.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people