MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁