@ninatreemonkey: Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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@jenyb4: Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true.
@BruceForce: Some dude told me he's had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
@jazmasta: [at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"
@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom