Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?