@waydybee: Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name's Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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@JohnLyonTweets: I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
@darinlovesbacon: Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
@Brampersandon_: [office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?