Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?