I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”