*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”