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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
i’m sure it’s fine
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.