Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.