Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood